I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
A roof is a house hat.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
