Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*