Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

this site is so cooked lol

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time