I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me