Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.