I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Traveler’s camo
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”