Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

first you must answer his riddles

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Said the murderer.

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]