I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
You Might Also Like
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?