I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
You Might Also Like
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.