I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*