Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Sorry I made promises on Friday

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up