I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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[montage of me giving-up]
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
my fav colour is also hitler
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
