Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Just say no

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.