I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
who will stop them
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older