Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

🤣

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

My fantasy football season is going great