I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN