Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

what’s really going on

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*