I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos