I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I need to get some bricks…
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.