I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.