I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The only equipped I am is ill.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
i will not be silenced
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
LOL
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