I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…