Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔