I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Lmaoo 😂
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.