[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Print is alive and well!!!
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want