Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

can’t believe I got front row seats