I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein