I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
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Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I love this❤️😁👍
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}