Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
live long and prosper!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
We decided to have money instead of children.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Lmbo
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.