Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Describe yourself in three words”
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance
New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home
Having a kid really mellowed God out.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Me: *narrows eyes*