@stereofiasco

I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

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@stanleybehrman

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

@IvoryGazelle

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@mommy_cusses

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

@SkippyMcGizzard

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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@jonnysun

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up