I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.

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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.


[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle


[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”


Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”


Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.


Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth


[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*