I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
