I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
You Might Also Like
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”