I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Generation gap…
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.