Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…