I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm