I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
How much for the goth pool noodles?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.