Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.