I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
crochet youtube is brutal
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
uh oh
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?