I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.