Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards