mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.