I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.

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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon


My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”


Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.


If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.


Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.


I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.


20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party


[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger


[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*