@Schmoodles

I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.

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@iwearaonesie

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

@ScaryMommy

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

@bingowings14

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@dadmann_walking

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

@Chhapiness

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

@GrantTanaka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

@Jamberee13

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*