I drew y’all a little something.
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Fries, not lies.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*