I drew y’all a little something.
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
is this a warning or an offer?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.