Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?