I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Trumpy Cat
