I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
that colleague who touches your screen
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
They got a point!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!