I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.