Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

6: are snakes just neck?

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Dammit Chief not again