Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

We are the people our parents warned us about.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.