Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.