I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
$4 #usedbooks
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*