Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

The median voter

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.