I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Sell your car
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet