I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*