I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”