I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The Onion called it…again.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.