I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award