Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

Human are so complicated

For the orator and chef in all of us

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays