I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE