Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!