I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
You Might Also Like
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Bobby pin
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.