I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.