i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
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Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A wise man once said nothing.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Very good news from my accountant
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”