i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat