“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
You Might Also Like
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.