I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
you know what ruined my childhood? children
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.