I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
You Might Also Like
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.