I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.