I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.