[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You Might Also Like
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby