Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

They’re stuck in your pants?

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.