[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Catering service
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
😼🖥️
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
🤭😂
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson